Have you ever seen the movie, The Girl In The Café? The movie is about the relationship between a middle aged English government official and an English woman in her mid twenties who he happens to meet in a café that he frequents.
As they become friends and then lovers, he invites her to a major meeting of diplomats from the most powerful countries in the world in Reykjavik, Iceland.
At the meeting, the diplomats discuss what these countries will commit to do financially to alleviate hunger in the world. At a dinner for all the diplomats, the girl, quite out of turn and to the dismay of everyone, interrupts the head of the English delegation as he is addressing the group. Even though she is terrified, she is compelled to speak. She looks down at her plate, stammers and speaks quietly. But she is eloquent about the failure of the diplomats to do much more than talk without actually making commitments.
I saw a real life example of “the girl in the café” on television during an interview with Anita Hill who rose to fame (or infamy depending on your point of view) during the confirmation hearings for now Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas. She was speaking at Brandeis University to an audience of several hundred.
A woman came to the microphone to ask a question. She was visibly shaking and started crying. Through her tears she said, “Please forgive my terror in speaking” and proceeded to ask Ms. Hill a question about how she found the courage to face the blistering attacks she had experienced.
After complimenting the woman on the courage it took for her to speak in front of hundreds of people, Ms Hill responded that she had often been afraid and that the source of her courage was the same as for this woman who had overcome her “terror” of speaking publicly: she felt it would be a betrayal of her authentic self not to speak.
Indeed, it takes courage for any of us to speak up especially when we suspect (or know) that we’ll be criticized. Whether we do or not will depend not on the audience and what they think but rather on whether we let our desire to maintain our self image get in the way of our authentic self.
You can get a glimpse of your self image simply by completing the sentence, “I am…” (shy, nervous, angry, loving, generous, etc.). The words you use are your self image. When your self image clashes with your authentic self, there will be inner turmoil and distress. You may want to speak up but you will be stymied by your desire to avoid looking anything other than in control.
I’ve helped hundreds of people create and deliver their presentations and the one question common to them all is “how do I transcend my limiting self image?” They don’t put it that way. It comes out as, “What can I do about my fear?”
A teacher in a seminar I attended called the authentic self “the you you don’t know yourself to be.” The two “yous” in that sentence are not a misprint. As inelegant as that wording may be, I think it captures what’s required to get out of the box of our self limiting self image.
Usually, when we are stopped by our fears, we recognize a familiar pattern. It’s often something that has stopped us in the past. We don’t speak up…again. We don’t contradict someone we disagree with…again. We avoid making a phone call…again.
The “you you don’t know yourself to be” is the self that knows fear will never disappear and who acts anyway. The “you you don’t know yourself to be” is the you that takes surprising risks in spite of the discomfort you feel.
The woman who asked Anita Hill a question transcended her self image as someone who was “terrified.” The “girl” in the movie transcended her self image as just a “girl in a café.”
I was driving my car thinking about this when the Ricky Nelson song “Garden Party” came on the radio. You know the main refrain: “You can’t please everyone so you’ve got to please yourself.” That’s your authentic self, not the one that wants to look good and avoid looking bad. That’s the “you you don’t know yourself to be.”
You can strengthen your ability to express your authentic self by asking,” What will I do today that I might not otherwise do? What will I do today that represents the “me I don’t know myself to be?”
